I've been thinking a lot on certain concepts related to the self. Perception and its derivatives have been on my mind as of late. Another concept I feel deserves merit that is at least related but may or may not fit into this category is the thought that everyone has their dark sides and their lighter sides. Otherwise put, we all fall into a certain shade of grey.
The way I like to think of it is that both the light and the dark make up the self and form some sort of grey area. No one is perfectly noble and none so evil. What I'm more concerned with is breaking down those components of light and dark. Realizing that I cannot do this for the typical person since it would require intricate knowledge of their inner thinkings that I'm simply not privy to, I figure I'll attempt to analyze my own light and dark sides in some sort of vain effort to provide a basis on which people may compare themselves.
As it may be more pleasant, let us begin by discussing the light. I'd like to point out that no matter who I'm dealing with or whatever the situation, I try to find some positive in that situation and also to love the moments it generates. This is obvious when good things are happening since it's quite easy to draw positive from preferable experiences. However, this aspiration of mine is tested when bad things happen.
Let's say someone says something that upsets me. I'm logical. I try to deal with it by assuming the person may have some good although possibly selfish reason to upset me. More appropriately put, I try to empathize with the person that is the source of my anger. I don't mean to make this sound easy. On the contrary, I find it insanely difficult. I've been slighted before by people I've been close to in a wide variety of situations and have been able to forgive those people in time. No doubt there will always be a part of me that remains bitter over the situation. In general, though, I don't see the need in perpetuating some type of conflict that holds no gain for me in the long run.
Now let's say something more serious happens. Like someone dying. That's basically the worst thing that can possibly happen. Naturally, if I was close to the person I would be quite upset. It may take a very long time but, over that time frame, I eventually do manage to look at the situation more objectively and find some good that came out of it, even if it seems like the bad far outweighs the good.
Maybe it's my vanity speaking but I would prefer to believe that I can maintain the capacity to love and to forgive in the direst of situations. God knows it's hard to do, though.
Now to delve into the dark. Like everyone, I'm sure, I have dark impulses and moments when my otherwise sunny disposition is rained on. I find that I can very quickly think of the most pragmatic end to a situation. Most often this would be the course of action that would hurt others and puts paramount importance on self-gain. I'm a very logical person which is my theory as to why I instantly arrive to this solution before I even think of the more noble solutions. I also find that sometimes my natural reaction to situations can be quite vengeful. Simply put: I am not to be crossed.
Let's say someone I care about has a problem. Being somewhat of a strategist, I would instantly think of how I could turn the situation to my advantage even at the expense of the person I should be helping. Now, to be clear, the vast majority of the time I will set that thought aside, pleased that I was able to contrive it, and help the person in the way that benefits them. But we do have our dark sides and that's one of the instances where mine does surface briefly.
Now if the situation is more personal then we have a much more interesting concept to discuss. If someone were to act against me and hurt me in some way I would immediately think about revenge before I thought of anything else. I have morals, I would probably end up taking the high road. But the thought and the desire to act on the person who hurt me would be powerful. I suppose the worst part of it all is that I can actually sit back and think of effective ways or situations to just utterly ruin the person, each varying on how far I would be willing to take it. I do derive pleasure in thinking up the scenarios and I think it stems back to my love of finding the most logical solution to things. It is a side of me that exists in abundance. But having the information is not the same as using it. Just because I see the ways in which to shatter a person doesn't mean that I'll do it or will even want to as time passes.
I like to think of dark and light sides not as opposing forces or hindrances but as thought processes that ensure I make the most informed decisions in my life. I'm not going to sit back and say that I'm a wonderful person who only does good things and never screws up. Nor am I going to say that I am indefinitely more prone to taking the darker course of action. I admit, the dark actions have a certain innate appeal to me as they tend to correlate more with my way of thinking. Naturally, I will initially gravitate towards those courses of action. But I would like to believe that I am adept at seeing all sides of an issue. If I always did the dark action then I would have no one around to care about and it would ultimately be self-defeating anyway. I guess the best way of putting it is something like this: I can be a great person to those who a great to me and have at least the potential to go darkside on anyone who decides to be a bastard to me. No matter how righteous or dishonourable you may be, I doubt anyone could say any different on the whole.
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