Let’s flip back a few pages. Roughly one year ago I was about to come home from Korea. The decision was difficult. The reward was seemingly little at the time. I had spent a good deal of my time there trying to figure out what I might like to do when I decided to come back. I got no closer to reaching a specific decision but knew I wouldn’t find it there. So that was the essence of it: the prospect of greater self-discovery in the face of a vacation passed outweighed the amount of fun I was having and the rewards from my work.
I had some time off before I took my trip. Time off mostly because it took so long to get all the documentation and arrangements in play. I finished school, took it easy for a time. All the while, the clock was slowly ticking away to Korea and leaving many loved ones behind. Ticking while I remained subconsciously and blissfully unaware.
Next, we’ll look at my arrival after the end of my trip. The plan was to find a position within the Chemistry field and actually use my degree. The search was long and disappointing. I knew after going away that I loved Eastern Canada for many reasons and wanted to start my career there, trying to grow it and myself in the process. It turns out that finding an elusive good science position in a repression-soaked climate is harder than expected. Especially if you’re like me and think it will all magically work out because you believe it to be so. Doesn’t help that I usually get what I want out of things too.
Eventually I settled. I had to find something. So I took a job at a call center. Now, I’ve heard all the horror stories from different people about working at a call center and I’ll admit that I had no illusions to the contrary. However, I must admit that this one I worked at was probably one of the best ones out there. Inbound. Reservations. Not nearly as many unhappy people calling than as if I would have been a cable rep or some such. Still, I hated it. It simply wasn’t for me. So I did my time, made enough cash to keep myself afloat and made another important decision: I was going to go back to school.
That brings us to this point in this tangential two year story I’ve been telling. I am currently working at Fredericton Tourism, biding time and hoarding cash until the school year begins and I enter debt for the first time. It’s been an interesting summer. The first two months of it, I had to do a lot of prerequisite work with a makeable timeline that didn’t leave much room for error. I got that out of the way and I’ll admit that I haven’t exactly known what to do with myself until the school year starts. I figure I might as well enjoy the feeling since this year will involve a lot of work. Probably more than I realize.
This kind of brings me to the point of all of this: In everything I’ve done, I’ve either felt important or have had some sort of important thing going on in my life. After the MBA program is finished I will likely end up with a pretty high paying job, living the good life. But I’ll need some sort of goal for myself and, although work goals will be lofty and challenging, I’m speaking of goals in a much broader sense. I’ll need some sort of thing I can devote myself to in addition to being successful and rich. Some sort of raison d’être if you follow me. Maybe my feelings in this matter stem from ego. In fact, it’s quite likely. I do have an ego. I do think that I’m better than some people. I am better than some people. If I’m not I’ll admit (although I may be reluctant to do so). Thank god this is no Greek tragedy where hubris will prove to be my undoing.
So I’ve been carrying on and I’ve been in a lot of different positions and one far away place. While these were all very proactive moves, they do point to one question that I seem to consistently want to avoid dealing with: What’s next? Perhaps in realizing that, I’ve answered my own question. Maybe my recognition of this is enough to set aside that next-step type of feeling. Or maybe my thirst for knowledge and ultimately some form of wisdom will drive me ever towards it. Only time will tell.
On a side note, I realize that I know very few people who would bother to think about this thing on such a level of detail. If we’re to consider that as “ignorance is bliss” then it’s a state of mind that I’m very envious of them for having. More knowledge means more power to recognize what’s going on around you but it complicates things a lot more than the simplistic, more physical view of things. I wouldn’t mind having more people to bounce around ideas with. Sometimes I have a nagging voice in the back of my head saying that I wish I would’ve studied a little bit of philosophy. In all honesty, what’s stopping me? I don’t need a degree in it to know things. I just need the resources and the desire to learn it. Maybe I will dabble into it a little bit. Only time will tell.
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